Your Darkest Nightmare???

Your Darkest Nightmare???
Many years ago, somewhere before 1996 in fact, someone came up with this little gem.
I have no idea who the original author of this “award winning” work is, and to be honest I don’t care either… They should be shot for it!
I’ve suffered in silent shame for all this time and I’ve had enough.
The rest of you can endure this terrible evil with me.
This whole errrrr article is pretty much original, I’ve corrected some of the more obvious spelling mistakes, but that’s about it.
Don’t ask me why they’re called what they are, I have no idea .. Honest

BPN Idea, collect Smurfs from Cannibal Sector 4, (in order to turn them into gold and sell to gourmets (Ed-?), but don’t let the players know the true value of Smurfs).
Remember this is Mort, so the Smurfs are going to be a little bit twisted.
Here’s 35 to wet your imagination. (More like 100! –Ed)

1 Papa Smurf                              
2 Terrorist Smurf                         
3 Paedophile Smurf                         
4 Hungry Smurf                         
5 Cannibal Smurf                         
6 Ex-War Criminal Smurf
7 Serial Killer Smurf
8 Pimp Smurf
9 Cult Leader Smurf
10 Smurfette
11 Stormer Smurf
12 Jesus Smurf
13 Handy Smurf
14 Sickly Smurf
15 Skinhead Smurf
16 The Unismurfer
17 Devil Smurf
18 Fraidy Smurf
19 Thresher Smurf
20 Idiot Smurf
21 Grandpa Smurf
22 Manchine Smurf
23 Druggie Smurf
24 Exorcist Smurf
25 WE NEED BIGGER GUNS Smurf
26 Smurfo the Clown
27 Necrophilia Smurf
28 The Marquis de Smurf
29 Vampire Smurf
30 Lunatic Smurf
31 Jihad Smurf
32 The SmurfNight Agent
33 Smurf Ninja
34 Amazon Smurf
35 Role-player Smurf
36 Dead Smurf (Previously named “Brainy”)
37 Third Eye Smurf
38 Ebon Smurf
39 Brain Waster Smurf
40 –55 (Drug of choice) Smurf
56 Sniper Smurf
57 Papist Smurf
58 Orange Catholic Smurf
59 Clockwork Orange Smurf
60 Orange Smurf (Keeps complaining about how “The Man” keeps him down)
61 Heat Seeking Smurf
62 Vivisection Smurf
63 Cloak Division Smurf
64 Transvestite Smurf
65 Trans sexual Smurf (Hey Smurfette’s only one lady, she can use the help)
66 Mark of the Beast Smurf
67 Big Smurf Boingy Rat
68 Lawyer Smurf
69 Bible Banger Smurf (Wishes to kill Jesus Smurf because of “Turning the other Cheek” policy)
70 Smurfkle and Ebert
71 Witch finder Corporal “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery nor Shall Ye Lay With Beasts” Pulsifer Smurf
72 Suicidal Smurf
73 Umbrella Smurf
74 Felatio Smurf (For when Smurfette and Trans sexual are both busy)
75 Caltrop Smurf (Don’t step on him)
76 Smurfy Ricardo (Star of popular Smurf TV programme)
77 Bomb Shelter Smurf
78 Lusty Smurf
79 Ed McSmurf (You may already be a Winner)
80 Immolated Smurf (Pissed off Brain Waster Smurf)
81 Inebriated Smurf
82 Incontinent Smurf
83 Pope Smurf MCCXLVIII
84 The Smurfinator
85 Dead Smurf (He pissed off Brain Waster Smurf too)
86 Dead Smurf (He stood too close to No.85)
87 Smurf of the Baskervilles
88 The Smurfcream Man (Jingling bells always betray his approach)
89 Internet Smurf
90 radioactive Smurf
91 Jorj X. Smurf Smurfituer Extraordinaire
92 Downtown Smurf
93 Baron Smurfkonan
94 Death Smurf
95 War Smurf
96 Pestilence Smurf
97 Famine Smurf
98 Pollution Smurf
99 Running out of ideas Smurf
100 Mr. Smurfer


SMURF STATS

STR: 2
DEX: 6
DIA: 2 - 8
CONC: 2 – 8
PHYS: 4
KNOW: 2 – 8
CHA: 12+ (They’re so cute)
COOL: 5 (1 for Fraidy Smurf and 20 for Jihad Smurf)
HITS: 6

General Skills
Smurfing: 10(This skill covers anything the Smurf’s area of speciality covers, e.g. Bombs for terrorist Smurf or Leadership for Papa Smurf)
This is above the STAT maximum because of the Smurfiness factor.
Running: At PHYS level
Goodness: 5  Their “Goodness” is subtracted from any “to hit” rolls made against the Smurfs

HEIGHT: Three Apples
WEIGHT: Under 1kg
WALK: “ Are we there yet?”
RUN: DMC (Dungeon Masters Call?)
SPRINT: Too fast to catch

Armour: White Pants (Exception, Thresher Smurf has Sarge)
Weapons: Variable, but usually they just run away from Operatives.

NO, I won’t take any responsibility for any psychological trauma reading this may cause you.
So there!